Why so fussy?

By Love and Relationships Staff

“Yeah, I really like them, but it just wasn’t going anywhere.”
“That’s a shame, you could have made a great couple.”
“Yeah, naah, yeah. You’re right, but it just didn’t happen.

I’m sure you’ve all been involved, or at least heard this sort of conversation. Some of you have probably heard it many times. Have you ever stopped and thought- Why? Why is it, that in a society where life is comparatively easy compared with the past in terms of health, wealth and lifestyle, we find it so hard to find that most basic of human desires- a stable and loving relationship?

Could it be that it is precisely because we are better off that we find it harder to find stability? Well maybe, if we consider what psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed in his groundbreaking 1943 paper, “A Theory of Human Motivation.”

Maslow proposed that there are 5 basic levels of needs, and it is only when the lower needs are satisfied that we start looking to the next level. Shaped like a pyramid, on the lowest level are survival needs, such as food, water and sleep. On the next level are security or safety needs such as health, and protection from danger. Once these needs are met we can consider social needs such as a sense of belonging and love. The fourth level is self esteem needs such as recognition and status, and the final level is self actualisation, or reaching ones potential.

So how does this relate to finding love?

In the distant and recent past, we as individuals were exposed to varying levels of threats at the lower 2 levels of survival and security. We formed relationships primarily to meet these 2 needs, to secure we have enough food, warmth, shelter and security. But in today’s society many of us don’t need a relationship to fulfill these basic needs. Many of us have become materially independent. And this is the issue.

Having fulfilled our basic needs we are now wanting and expecting more from our relationships. And what we are wanting is harder to provide; a sense of belonging, love borne from desire rather than necessity for survival, status and living up to ones potential. And many people won’t settle for any less. If we follow Maslow’s hierarchy, why should they? If the lower level needs are met, and the relationship isn’t meeting needs at the higher level, then following Maslow’s theory, there is no motivation to be in a relationship. Relationships no longer serve a survival function for many people in our society. They are, put bluntly, wants rather than needs.

And this is perhaps the reason why some people find it so hard to find what they want, or think they want anyway, a stable relationship. Wouldn’t it be much easier to find someone if we really needed them to make sure there was food on the table, a roof over our heads and the sabre tooth tiger was kept outside our hut?
 

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