Having trouble with your spouse? Do you understand what is actually happening between the two of you when you talk or argue about a problem? It is essential that you get it deep in your bones that men and women are different! Of course, you say - I know that! Yes, but do you realize that they are different not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically, mentally - in all ways, different?
There are many books on the differences between men and women in relationships, but you can start by truly realizing the dynamics or give-and-take in a relationship. Even a basic understanding of how men and women work out their problems will help your relationship and avoid a breakup! Here are a few ideas to think about, remembering that we are talking about generalities, and your spouse may be a little different.
Men Think First Then Act, Women Talk First Then Act:
Men and women do not go at a problem in the same way. In fact, women will consider something a problem that men think is not worth talking about! And then, women will talk it over with their spouse, their friends, family, even strangers. Women will discuss the problem trying to look at it from all sides, gather all sorts of ideas about the problem, before they begin to decide to do something about it - or decide to do nothing. Either way, there is usually a lot of discussion about the issue.
Men generally tend to be rather close-mouthed about something they think is a problem. They will think about it a lot, trying to figure it out, using only the information they have in their head - women will try to get input and other points of view. Very different. Once men have figured out what the best solution is, they will put it into action with very little discussion - they don't need to discuss it because they have already thought about it thoroughly. Different, right?
What women find so frustrating with men is that a man will tend to jump right in and try to solve her problem with various solutions, when what the woman is trying to do is analyze the problem. "Just listen," she will say. She may feel that the man thinks she is terribly incompetent - that's why he's giving her so many solutions, when actually she only needs him to listen and let her come to her own decision.
What men find so frustrating with women, is that a man will think that she is just talking and talking about the problem when she ought to be figuring it out herself and doing something about it. He believes that she's wasting time and energy. She may decide that he just doesn't believe a problem is important because he will not even talk about it with her. Whoops - not true - he is thinking about it a lot, and has a lot of feelings about it, but he has not come to a solution yet. Very different.
Looking For Answers or Looking For Support:
It is important to understand that when a man is talking about a problem situation or issue, he is likely looking for answers and solutions. He wants to move on and deal with it. By the time he is talking about the issue, he has thought about it a lot, turned the problem over a lot in his head, and tried to figure out what the problem is, what could be done, etc. Unfortunately, his wife may assume that he is ready to talk about it and discuss it in detail. They are both coming together into a discussion with totally different expectations. No wonder things go wrong!
Sometimes women talk about things that bother them just to get it out and off their chest. They do not need to get advice or suggestions from anyone, and their women friends tend to just listen and be supportive, empathetic, maybe offer their own experiences like that. They are letting the woman know that her feelings and thoughts make sense, and she is understood. And they also understand she really doesn't want advice from them, just listening.
If the man in a relationship tells the woman what she ought to be doing about a problem she is talking about, he may be surprised to find his wife angry and hurt at his response. She thinks he is trying to shut her up and stop the discussion about the problem - he thinks he's being very helpful to her. Oh my goodness - they aren't even on the same page here, are they?
Learn Your Spouse's Pattern:
Obviously not every man-woman relationship will follow these general patterns. In fact, you will certainly find some relationships that are quite opposite to these descriptions. You will need to be a bit of a scientist, observing your spouse carefully and figure out whether he or she tends to be behave like the patterns described above. Then you can be clear about what your spouse needs from you, and focus on meeting those needs, rather than misunderstanding them.
Remember that you can talk about these differences together and try to find the humour in the different styles of problem-solving. There is NO right or wrong way to solve or discuss problems, but there are definitely different styles, and you both can learn to recognize your own style. Learning about these basic differences will help your marriage tremendously!
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About the Author
Recently retired from the field of family counselling, Sienna is pleased to offer practical information and helpful online resources for couples or individuals who are finding that True Love is sometimes hard work!