Q

I am concerned about the behaviour of my husband around one of our close friends. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and during our marriage (and previous friendship) we have often spent time with my friend ‘Jane’ (not her real name) who I have known since uni. About 1 year ago Jane’s marriage ended and as a result we have spent more time with her often seeing her at least once a week. I have noticed that Jane and my husband do get on really well and they do like to talk about things that I personally don’t have an interest in. About 3 weeks ago the three of us and some other friends of ours were at a party and Jane and my husband sat next to each other and talked for what seemed like 2 hours. I would come and say hello and mingle (there were quite a few people I knew from work there) but for the whole time they just sat there and talked and laughed. Now I don’t think I am being paranoid but it is obvious they get on like a house on fire and the way they interact just seems a bit too intense for my liking. To be honest, I am not really sure how to approach this, I haven’t talked to anyone about the situation and am keen to hear any advice you might have. (Tamara)

A

Dear Tamara

This situation seems very delicate as I imagine you may fear betrayal by your husband and your best female friend. I can understand that you don’t know what to say, or to whom.

Since you and your husband are married you have presumably committed yourselves to fidelity to each other for life. I think it would be appropriate for you to tell your husband how you are feeling about the time and energy he gives Jane and particularly the situation at the party. To try to understand how he feels, just listening without responding would also help you talk respectfully together. Maybe there is a strong attraction between your husband and Jane. Or perhaps he sees her as a good friend but without sexual attraction. You need to be prepared to hear either possibility.

As for Jane, I wonder why you and your husband see her so often? What is your part in encouraging or initiating this? Could it be that you and your husband have been involving yourselves with Jane to avoid intimacy in your own relationship? If you and your husband really want to be together you need to create joint goals and ways of experiencing intimacy together that are personal and shared only between you.

Take courage in initiating dialogue with your husband. This could be an opportunity for growth in your relationship. It might even cause you to re-evaluate your current situation. Either way you will at least grow in open communication with your husband.

Sincere good wishes
Aunty