Internet dating advice from the experts

By Love and Relationships Staff

When I decided to write an article about internet dating, I knew it’d be easy. All I’d need to do is ring some friends with experience. I started scrolling through the contacts on my phone;

Aardvark- no don’t think so, he keeps his armour up that guy
Aaron- no, I hope not anyway, he’s got a girl
Amadeus- no, too busy working on that symphony
Andrea- she’s going out with Aaron so I hope not too
Audrey- Yes, yes yes.

“Audrey, it’s Dave.”
“Aww,” she groaned, “I’m expecting a call from a guy I met on the internet.”
“Really,” I replied, “well that’s actually why I was calling.”
“What? It doesn’t look like you in the photo? What are you calling yourself Horatio for? And you’ve got my number anyway?”
“No Audrey,” I laughed nervously. “I wanted to ask you about what it’s like. You know, what’s Internet dating like? I doing some research see, for a website.”
“Sure Dave, there’s nothing shameful about internet dating. You can admit it if you’re going to try.”
“Well maybe Audrey, but I am actually writing an article for a website.”
Audrey didn’t believe me, but she agreed to give me the lowdown anyway.
“But if he rings,” she told me, “I’m putting you on hold. Horatio looks hot, and it’s such a cool name.”

And this is what she told me;

- The most important thing on your profile is your photo. You have to have one. You’re not going to get any dates without a photo. And make sure it’s a good one.

- Most people don’t look anything like their photos when you actually meet them. They are usually older, fatter, balder and just generally uglier. So be disappointed, but try not to show it.

- Don’t waste time chatting online. Go and meet them. Then you’ll know if it’s really them in the photo. And if you’re going to get on.
“Hang on Dave, its him,” she screeched down the phone. “Hey I gotta go, I’ll talk to you sometime. Ok bye, bye.” Click.

I went back to my phone contacts until I got to Bridget. Bridget is a cautious type, not the type of person you’d pick as a serial internet dater, but I knew that she’d dabbled. And she was full of advice;

- There are some stalkers out there. And guys- apparently girl stalkers too. Be careful what you say and avoid mentioning things like where you work

- Always meet in a public place, and don't ever let them pick you up. That way they don’t know where you live.

- Meet for a drink first. Dinner can be a drag if you don’t get on.

- And if you do get on, have a back-up plan for something else to do.

- Be polite. Even if you’re not really into them

Dean was the next on my contacts. And it was fortuitous, because by this stage I was keen on getting the male perspective.

- Don't go on to many dinner dates. You’ll get fat or turn into an alcoholic

- Only go if you want to, not for a free meal. If you haven’t got time, don’t go

- Pay for an online subscription rather than being on the free one. It shows you’re not a tight ass.

- Don’t make comments about how different they look from their photo, commenting on how fat they’ve got or how old they look. No matter if it’s true, won’t go down well.

Dean was off to the gym to work on those abs, but he said he’d call back later if he thought of anything else.

I poured over my notes. What I had wasn’t comprehensive, perhaps not even helpful. But I’d done what I set out to do, to ask the experts. And that’s what they told me.
And Dean didn’t call back.

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