Maintaining open communication during conflict in a relationship
By Love and Relationships Staff
Having arguments is a normal and healthy part of a relationship that is growing and developing. Arguments are part of the power struggle that usually follows the romantic stage of the relationship, as couples work out how they are going to get along together and who will control or decide what.
So how do couples navigate through these potentially damaging discussions?
The key is maintaining open communication, and one of the best ways of helping to keep these communication lines working is to set ground rules. Just as sporting events run better if there is a referee to keep the game going fairly, couples need to find ways to keep their interactions safe. If couples decide what is acceptable behaviour and what is out of bounds this can help them work through differences. They can then remind each other to keep to the rules if one or other oversteps the mark.
Some possible rules may be:
A. Be clear about the issue: The person who has an issue to discuss should establish clearly what the topic under discussion is and not make global statements such as “you always” or “you never.”
B. Never purposefully say anything hurtful or cruel: Both parties can agree not to say anything hurtful or cruel. After couples have been together for some time they know each others’ tender spots and can really hurt each other emotionally. When they do this, these hurtful words can be remembered for many years and be a source of pain and sadness to the wounded person, thus blocking their feelings of love for the other person.
C. Don’t bring the other person’s family into the argument: Such comments as “you’re just like your father”, when the man believes his father was inadequate can really inflame an argument.
D. Never use physical force: If one person is angry about something it may be worthwhile to have time out. Couples can establish a way to communicate a need for time out, and accept it as necessary and positive for the upset person to take charge of his or her feelings. They could agree to come back when ready and address the issues when they have calmed down.
E. Only talk about difficult subjects when you and your partner have time ; You need to have time in a relaxed unhurried manner. Just before going on an outing is not a good time to raise important unresolved issues. It is best to have the partner’s agreement before raising a sensitive subject and to take turns to listen fully to each other one at a time.
F. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes: Try to imagine how you would feel if someone said what you are saying to your partner. It helps to notice how your partner feels about what you are saying and to sense how the situation is for them. This will help you to be more caring while you discuss issues.
Disagreements are a normal part of a developing relationship. It is how these discussions are handled that makes the difference. Set ground rules to make sure these discussions keep on track and referee these rules to ensure discussions move forward towards a positive resolution.
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Created by Sah on 11/05/2010 21:26:12
yeah this is right on. we been arguing for the last 4 months since we moved in together. i know this sounds pretty typical but i am finding it real hard cos because he doesnt help out around the house. if i didnt clean up nobdoy would. to me its a problem, but to him im just being a pain. i dont feel comfortable enough yet to sit him down and talk to him like this. i think he will think im weird.
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