I Cheated! - How Your Marriage Can Survive An Affair
By Sienna Gillespie
To have a relationship that lasts, and copes with the various challenges that life provides, you need to know some basic relationship skills. Having an affair, however, is a symptom of something very wrong in your relationship and is going to need some hard work on your part to get past it.
Relationships are strong because both partners are honest, communicate about important feelings and problems, and both show respect and love to one another. Take some time right now to decide if you are willing to be a partner like that. If not, then quit the marriage because you will probably just keep on having affairs rather than doing the work necessary. Might as well be honest here.
First off, let's start with the difference between "remorse" and "guilt". Both are about feeling very bad about something wrong you have done. However, with "remorse" you know you would do absolutely anything at all to make sure you never ever do it again - and you are trying to learn what to do to make certain that is so. In "guilt" - well, you do feel bad about the behavior and hope it never happens again, but there is a sense that you want the other person to be swayed just by your feelings, not that you would do anything to avoid hurting your partner in future. Guilt is cheap. Remorse takes a depth of change in you to make absolutely certain it doesn't happen again.
Basic important actions on your part - now:
- Tell the truth. Make sure that your partner knows that you had an affair; do not hope they never find out - they will. Likely they guessed anyway, or wondered why you were not as affectionate or why you were absent so much. Your partner may have felt that you were planning on a divorce. You never know. Not knowing the truth is so much more painful than being told.
- Apologize. Sincerely. You have told the truth, and you need to let your partner know that you feel very badly about hurting them, and about betraying your relationship. You need to say in short sentences and clear language that you are full of regret for your actions and that you are very sorry. It is not necessary to get into a lot of how it happened, blah-blah-blah, just make sure you offer the most sincere apology your heart can make.
- Be responsible. Take the blame for your actions. You are the one who cheated, you are the one who had an affair. You are the one who made the serious mistake, and betrayed your partner. Be responsible for your own actions, and take the blame on your shoulders. You will later need to start communicating with your partner about the challenges or problems in the marriage that may have led to your actions, but the truth is, you were responsible - those reasons did not push you into infidelity. And, blaming your partner for your own actions - that is not very mature.
- Wait. You are going to have to let your partner work through their own feelings and sense of betrayal, until they decide to forgive you and move on. You will need to give them some space and time. Maybe more than you want, but still, do not push them. Obviously your partner will be feeling quite hurt and upset, and may not want to talk with you about the issues for some time. Be the best person you can be during this difficult time, and be as supportive as they are willing for you to be. This is actually the beginning of how to strengthen your marriage after an affair. There is much more to do after this early part.
It may help you to know that others have found that they needed to look on their marriage as a totally new one, after an affair. In other words, they have started to build a better friendship, a better relationship, based on more honesty, improved communication, more thoughtful and respectful behaviors, and so on.
To be sure that your marriage survives your affair, you (or both of you) may well need to get some professional help. Luckily there are many resources available such as counselling from clinics at local colleges or universities, family service agencies, and more. Look into possibilities and get whatever help is needed to move past the affair into the future. Good luck.
There is so much more to learn about successful love relationships. Click Here Now if you truly want your marriage to survive an affair and be strengthened. Get the very best information possible!
Recently retired from the field of family counselling, Sienna is pleased to offer practical information and helpful online resources for people who are finding that Love is hard work!
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